Colorado Avalanche head coach Patrick Roy wobbles a little as he walks into the main entrance of Toronto Maple Leaf Tower. The legendary net minder is impressed by the grandeur of the building, but does his drunken best to hide the feeling as he greets his old friend Brendan Shanahan.

“Shanny, p’tite queue, how’s it doing? O’sti!”

“Patrick, how are you?” The two ‘Hall-of-Famers’ shake hands and Brendan smiles as he and his one-time rival enter into the building.

“Tabarnak Shanny, I telled you again, call me Le Roy. Fait chier, it’s my nom, non?”

Brendan ignores Patrick’s vulgarity. “Is Joe coming?” Joe Sakic is the GM of the Colorado Avalanche. The Toronto Maple Leafs will play the Avalanche this evening.

“Joe is having his game day nap. He said he would come maybe to the peelers after for a little.”

“Oh. Is he doing all right?” Brendan’s concern is genuine. His old friend has been under a great deal of scrutiny with his Avalanche team struggling.

“He’s fine O’sti. We just needs the bigger pads for our goalies. Yours too, non? Is there somewhere for the drinks in this palace?”

Brendan laughs. “Patrick.”

“Le Roy.” Patrick interjects

“This is a place of business. Of course there’s a bar. Actually there are seventeen bars in the tower.” Brendan leads Patrick to the elevators. “Let’s go see Lou”

“Tabarnak.” Patrick says.

After a quick elevator ride the two step out onto the forty-first floor. Patrick looks around and spits. “You take me to an office, Shanny? Where are the naked women? Don’t hold out on me calice, I know you’re hiding them somewhere.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Patrick.” (Brendan knows exactly what Patrick is talking about. Find out more!)

“Le Roy.”

“Come on.” Brendan opens the door to Lou Lamoriello’s office and stops, stunned at what he sees. Patrick stumbles into Brendan’s back and both men stare dumbfounded.

Lou’s office is littered with baby toys, play-pens, jump-a-roo’s, and stuffed animals. The man himself sits at his desk cooing at a small bundle nestled in his arms. Delighted giggles come from this bundle and a tiny hand reaches out for Lou’s face.

“Lou, what’s going on?” Brendan has never seen Lou near a child and the change in the man is startling. Lou looks energized and playful, full of a vigour that is normally reserved for watching hockey.

“Brendan. Le Roy. Welcome. Come in and take a look at this beautiful little pooper.” Lou holds up the baby, which is indeed beautiful.

“Why do you have a baby Lou?” Brendan asks.

“I need a drink,” says Patrick.

“Oh, perfect.” says Lou. “Can you bring me over some rye Le Roy. We ran out just before you got here.”

Patrick walks over to the full service bar in Lou’s office and pours himself a gin and tequila. He downs his glass in one gulp and pours another before walking a bottle of rye over to Lou. “Here you go. Hey, do you want some Angel Dust?” Patrick asks.

“No thanks, and can you go be a degenerate scumbag over by the bar please. Little Louie doesn’t like the smell of you.”

Brendan has pulled out his phone and is texting rapidly. The baby is starting to fuss as Patrick retreats to the bar. Cooing and rocking the baby, Lou pours a glass of rye. He takes a small sip, then dips his pinkie finger into the drink. The finger is then planted into little Louie’s mouth. The baby sucks on the finger contentedly for a moment, then cries. Lou repeats the process.

Patrick laughs. “Look at that drunk p’tit chriss baby. He is a real hard, non?” Patrick snorts a line of blue powder right off the bar and then collapses onto the floor in a heap. As he falls, Kyle Dubas walks into the office. He takes in the scene for a moment, then looks to Brendan and says, “No babies have been reported missing, but my contacts in the PD will let me know immediately if a report gets filed.”

“You called the fuzz!?” Lou shouts as the baby in his arms cries prompting another rye soaked finger for sucking. “You made the baby angry.”

“Why do you have a baby Lou?” Brendan asks again.

Before Lou can answer Patrick shouts from the floor. “Whoooooo!!! I can feel the universe fucking my skull into the stars! Whooooo!” With his back flat on the floor Patrick churns his arms and legs as if he is running.

“Can you pick him up?” Brendan says to Kyle. As Kyle moves to comply, Patrick springs to his feet and starts doing jumping jacks.

“Gotta stay fresh,” says the legendary goalie. “Big game tonight. Gonna win. Gonna win.”

“How come Joe’s not with you?” Lou asks Patrick. “Is he still afraid of me?”

“He’s just having a nap. Gonna win. Gonna win.” Patrick is starting to sweat from his exercise but does not stop jacking it out.

“Have you had any talks with Joe, Lou?” Brendan asks. “I would hate to think we’re missing out on opportunities.”

“Nah, I never talked to him.” The baby is starting to squirm in Lou’s arms, no longer interested in the liquor. “I don’t think they were serious about moving Matt Duchene, and if they were, there’s no way we could get him without giving up a pick.”

“Is that right Patrick?”

“Le Roy, o’sti.  He has right it. We wants picks and players for Matty.” Patrick has stopped his jack and is now doing side lunges.

There is a knock at the door and Mike Babcock enters the office before anyone can answer. He kicks several toys out of his way as he strides toward Lou’s desk.

“Lou, I think I know what to do about Kadri. I am going to need six tigers and a parachute. And…” Mike notices Patrick. “What is the he doing here? Brendan, did you know he was here.”

“Patrick is my guest.” says Brendan.

“Le Roy.” says Patrick.

“Your guest!” Mike shouts.

The baby cries. “Keep it down,” says Lou as he rocks the baby and reaches into a desk drawer.

“Your guest?” Mike is doing his best to whisper but his voice is just too powerful to manage it. “He is the enemy until the game is over Brendan. The only reason he’s here is to steal game secrets. He’s trying to Belichick us.”

Patrick turns to the bar and snorts up more blue powder. As he turns back,his eyes widen and he leaps for cover behind the bar shouting, “Tabarnac de plotte sale!”

Brendan, Kyle and Mike all look to see what has scared him and find Lou dangling a small pistol in front of the baby.

“Holy shit Lou, you can’t give a gun to a baby!” Mike yells.

Lou looks up with a confused expression. “What’s the problem? It’s not loaded.” To demonstrate, Lou points the gun at the ceiling and squeezes the trigger. The gunfire surprises everyone and a whimper comes from behind the bar. “Oops.” Lou says as he pulls the clip from the gun. “Well it’s not like a baby can pull the trigger anyway.” Lou hands little Louie the gun, grip first and the tiny hands reach out and clasp onto the trigger. The bullet nearly takes Lou’s hand off. “Okay, so I was wrong. At least we know now, no guns for baby.” Lou takes the gun away from little Louie and hands him a fork.

“I really don’t like this.” Mike says. The head coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs moves away from the bar and beckons Brendan, Lou and Kyle to the far wall of the office. “You have to get rid of him Brendo. You can’t bring the enemy into your house before battle. Look, I got a ton of work to do before the game. Let’s just say it real quiet while he’s not  listening.”

The four men bow their heads and Lou almost takes a fork in the eye from the baby in his arms. After a moment of silence they speak in unison as if the words were a spell and maybe words do hold the power to create.

“Dear God and Lord Stanley, thank you for bringing us together here in Toronto and please help Steven Stamkos find his way home.”

Mike looks over to the bar and lets out a sigh of relief when he sees Patrick hasn’t emerged. “Get him out of here.” Mike says again, kicking a stuffed frog across the floor before he strides out of the office.

Making his way back to his desk, Lou smiles at the baby. “Who wants to fire a coach? Does little Louie want to fire a coach? Yes you do, yes you do want to fire a coach, precious little pooper.”

“Where did you get that baby Lou?” Brendan asks.

“Vive Le Roy!” Patrick shouts, leaping up from behind the bar. “You can never kill me father muckers!”

“Come on Brendan, get him out of here, he’s scaring little Louie.”