A dark column of smoke rises through the trees of the park ground behind Toronto Maple Leaf tower. Mike Babcock keeps his eyes locked on the inky streak as he follows a trail through the underbrush. There is a determined set to the coaches gaze. It is a look that has broken many men. It is a look that means Mike is not happy.

With each step he takes he gets more and more frustrated. Snow is slowing him down. Plus he hates walking through the woods without a rifle or some type of shotgun. Even a spear would have eased his nerves slightly, but this is not that kind of hunting trip. Mike is not hunting for game, he is hunting for his team.

When Mike arrived at the Toronto Maple Leaf practice facility this morning he was shocked to find the locker room empty of players. He asked one of the trainers what was going on and the man had handed him a note which read:

Babs,

I’m taking my team into the woods. It is time they learned a little bit about being men. We will be back before dinner. Sorry, there won’t be time for any of your teaching bullshit. This is real life.

Suck It,

Lou

As far as Mike was concerned Lou Lamoriello is exceeding his rights as GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Mike had planned a whole day of infotainment learning sessions with fun nutritional snack breaks and on-ice activities. Now everything was ruined. Mike is thinking of ways to make Lou pay as he marches through the woods. Finally he crests a hill and is looking down on a small clearing with a fire pit in the center.

His Leafs are standing in a circle around a small fire making more smoke than flame. Lou stands nearest to the pit in the center of the circle, arms waving as he speaks to the group. Mike is silent as he creeps closer to hear what Lou is saying. He makes sure to stay hidden as well, not wanting to tip off the GM to his presence. When the nearest Leafs are close enough to touch, Mike stops and listens.

“And after several dates, or more, the lady might invite the man into her apartment or maybe she will ask if she can visit the mans. This is when the man needs to be extra careful. If he has decided this is the sort of lady he can see himself having a future with than the man might accept the lady’s offer, and we will talk about that in a minute.” There are a few snickers from the Leafs but mostly the team just watches and listens to Lou. “If the man has decided he does not have a future with the lady then at this time he must do the right thing and gently let her down. Make sure you tell her it is not because of her looks, even if it is. A lady would always rather think it was her personality that you don’t like, not her face. Now there will probably be some tears at this time, The man must never give the lady a hug, the poor fragile thing will get all mixed up and we don’t want that. A gentle pat on the head, the way a man might show affection to a favoured hound, is a nice way to remind her you don’t care that she is crying.”

As Mike is listening his focus is distracted by the weak fire struggling in the pit. There is way too much wood thrown on without any regard for air flow. Unable to tolerate the poor work any longer Mike stands and walks to the center of the ring. He hears a few startled gasps from the players but gets straight to work on the fire.

“Go on Lou.” Mike says without looking up.

Lou clears his throat. “Mike, hey, ah, I’m glad your explosive diarrhea stopped. I brought the team to the woods just like you asked.”

Mike looks up and squints hard at Lou but then gets back to work on the fire.

“So.” Lou says. “Lets talk about getting intimate with a lady. I know that you boys are all old enough to have seen some pornographic materials, but let me tell you that real intimacy is very different than the pictures you see in magazines. A lady needs a gentle touch. Try putting on some sort of jazz music and lighting a candle. Have a cute little pet name for her, like Honey or Sugar, so that you don’t have to worry about forgetting her name in the heat of passion. Make sure you have some towels ready. And for Gods sake use lubricants, it’s just considerate.”

Mike is only half listening as he clears the pit of the excess wood. He finds a few smouldering sticks and a few embers in the center of the otherwise cold pit. Grabbing a branch he begins to strip it of twigs. Once it is clear he breaks the branch into smaller sticks. Mike then takes a handful of the twigs and places them in the pit, building a miniature log cabin around the glowing embers. Once this cabin is three inches high Mike tears a pinch of fleece lining from his jacket. He places the fleece in the cabin then lays the remainder of the twigs on top as a roof. Mike swiftly forms a teepee around the cabin with the larger sticks then leans right into the pit, getting his head as close to the flame as he can. For indeed the fleece has ignited quickly. Now Mike blows ever so gently and as he breathes deeply the fire grows larger. Some of the twigs are catching now. Mike blows again, slowly and evenly, and when is breath is done he pulls out of the pit and begins breaking down more of the larger sticks into smaller pieces. These he uses to build out the teepee as the fire spreads.

“Now I have some very important safety tips I want to talk to you about.” Lou continues. “I cannot stress enough the importance of stretching. Not just your back, but your legs and your shoulders too. I like to make a sort of a game out of it, making my special lady wait while I limber up. Anticipation can be very erotic to a lady, plus watching your powerful male physique will be sure to get her engine purring.

“Also, you always want to make sure you’ve gone to the toilet before getting intimate. I know that a man can get very excited and forget, but it is very important. A lady will get offended if you so much as pass wind while getting intimate. Now sometimes, if you have a very special relationship and a very special lady, you might find that toilet time is part of your intimate moments. Always follow the ladies lead in this regard and, remember this fun little rhyme, never piss where you kiss.”

Groans ripple through the Leafs as the mental image their GM is creating gets branded into their imagination. Mike banishes the thought with ease as he continues to build his fire. It is raging now, the hungry flames craving more fuel as they grow higher and higher. The Leafs begin to edge back from the heat.

Mike is dazzled by the blaze. In a trance he feeds more and more wood into it. Silently he whispers a mantra as if the words were a spell and maybe words do have the power to create.

“Dear God and Lord Stanley thank you for bringing me here to Toronto, and please help Steven Stamkos find his way home.” Mike repeats the words over and over. Adding wood until there is none left by the fire. Finally he steps back and admires his good work.

Lou is walking around the fire now as he continues. “And of course, you should always have a safe word. Safe words aren’t just for you, they are for the lady as well, so pick a word that works for both of you. Try to have fun with it, pick words that you aren’t likely to use anywhere else like Vitamin or Eskimo. Don’t pick words like But or Can. These common words might lead to confusion and embarrassment.

“Finally and, most important of all, vaginal intercourse is for making babies and only making babies. If you are not trying to make babies you need to do anal. Every proper lady knows this. You need to be prepared to indulge her no matter how disgusting it may seem.” Lou looks around at his team, catching the eye of each of his boys. “Mike did you have anything you wanted to add?”

“No, I think you covered everything pretty good. Lets head back to the ice. Lou can you wait till the fire burns out?” Mike walks back the way he came without a word. The Leafs are behind him.