Games Night is Brendan Shanahan’s favourite night. Once a week the Toronto Maple Leafs president invites some friends over to relax, unwind, and allow both mind and spirit a chance to stretch. No hockey is discussed on Games Night, a rule that everyone appreciates. Another rule of Games Night is that no one is allowed to make Brendan’s private staff uncomfortable.The bevy of beautiful naked women that manage Brendan’s private penthouse sanctuary on the forty-second floor of Toronto Maple Leaf tower have enough work to do without being offered a penis every thirteen seconds.

The only person who has a problem with this rule is NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. For this reason, along with many others, Gary has been banned from Games Night. Tonight he showed up anyway.

Brendan, along with Kyle Dubas, Mike Babcock, Lou Lamoriello and Jeff ‘Snacks’ O’Niell, had just opened their dice sacks when the door of Brendan’s private elevator opened. After some shock and anger Brendan had finally been convinced to let Gary have a second chance. He was beginning to regret his choice.

Dungeons and Dragons is a game that requires a complete buy-in from all the players to be enjoyed to the fullest extent. Gary is a reluctant player at best. As GM (Game Master in this case), Lou has to alter his narrative to re-introduce Gary’s halfling wizard. Without complaint Lou deftly arranged for the party to find Gary trapped in a cellar underneath the enchanted castle.

“That’s stupid.” Gary says. “I’m an all powerful mage. I appear in a puff of smoke and save the day. I don’t get trapped under an empty barrel.”

“You hear a muffled sort of squeaking, and you see a scrawny pair of legs flailing around under a barrel.” Lou says, ignoring Gary. “What do you do?”

“I walk over and try to lift the barrel.” Mike says. He is playing a Paladin, which means he must always make the most righteous choice.

“You manage to lift the barrel off easily and a disheveled halfling stands up.”

Everybody looks at Gary. Gary takes a sip of his beer and waits. He turns to one of the beautiful naked women and asks for some pretzels. His gaze is unconciously locked on her as she leaves.

“Gary.” Lou says with rising frustration. “Introduce yourself to the party.”

“I’m Gary.” Gary says.

“Ho Gary.” Kyle says. His boisterous Dwarven fighter is happy to be taller than someone in the room and greets the halfling warmly. “How did ye manage to get stuck down here little friend.”

“Hold on.” Snacks cuts in. He is playing a female rogue and she does not trust anybody until they have proven their value. “How do we know this twerp is friendly? He could be a spy, or even the master of this castle.” Snacks looks to Lou. “I roll an arcana check to see if he has a magical aura about him.” Snacks rolls high.

“He is defiinetley magical.” Lou says when he sees the result of the roll.

“I don’t trust him.” Snacks says in game. “He’s crawling with magic.”

“This is stupid.” Gary says. “You know I’m a good guy, let’s just play.”

“It’s a role playing game Gary.” Snacks says. “We are playing. We just snuck into an enchanted castle and found you in the basement. You have to convince us to trust you.”

“I trust you.” Mike says.

“You trust everyone,” Snacks says.

“My character has faith in the goodness of all creatures.” Mike proclaims.

“Your character is an idiot.” Snack replies.

“Yeah, he is pretty dumb.” Mike admits with a smile.

“I trust him. “ Kyle says. “Dwarves have a good sense of these things.”

“I don’t” Brendan says. Brendan is playing an Elven druid, and he has learned to be cautious in his centuries long life. “What are you doing down here Gary? Answer false at your peril.”

“Okay, um, what am I doing down here?” Gary looks to Lou.

“He’s your character. Figure it out.”

“Just give me a minute to think here.” Gary says.

They wait. Gary ogles the beautiful naked woman who carries in a large bowl of pretzels. He is so focused on her nudity that he doesn’t even notice it is a different woman than the one who left the room. He takes a sip of his beer.

“Okay.” Lou gets fed up and stands. “I gotta piss. When I get back you better have something or else you got dragged down here by a troll who is gonna want to eat you soon.”

“That’s a pretty good idea, isn’t it?” Gary asks. “I think I’ll just use that.”

“Gary, don’t be a prick.” Says Snacks. “If you use that idea than we are going to have to kill that troll before we can do anything else.”

“So.” Gary says. “We could use a little action.”

“That’s not what this game is about Gary.” Brendan says. “We are trying to stop an army of zombies that was sent from this castle. We need to get to the master of this castle in the best shape possible. The more we have to fight, the less likely we will be able to beat the main villian in the end. A troll is a serious monster.”

“Whatever.” Gary has made up his mind. “Don’t be pussies. We are going to beat the shit out of this troll, and then kill it with fire.”

Brendan sighs. Once Gary has made a decision he never goes back on it. The group waits. They sip their drinks and Snacks lights a joint. They continue waiting.

“Being old must suck right.” Gary says.” I bet his piss is like ranch dressing.”

“So, you guys watching any good shows?” Mike says, changing the subject.

“Oh god yes.” Kyle gets excited. “ I finally started watching Sons Of Anarchy. It is awesome. I’m nearly done the first season, it’s so good. I literally never want to stop watching it. I think I’m going to buy a bike.”

“I know right. “ Snacks is a huge SOA fan. “It just keeps getting better and better too. I’m a little jealous, I wish I could go back and enjoy it for the first time again.”

“Totally.” Gary also loves the series. “I couldn’t believe it when Tig killed Donna instead of Opie. Man Clay is an asshole. I love when Jax shoots him in the neck. Almost as much as I love when he shoots Gemma.”

Every man at the table stares at Gary in various states of shock.

“Why?” Kyle shakes his head. Disbelief and sadness clouding his every thought. “Why would anybody do that? I just said I was watching the show. Why would you ruin that.”

Snacks is furious. “Holy fuck Bettman. You are the worst guy ever. Just die somewhere. Everything about you is pathetic. Weasels think you’re a sneaky piece of shit.”

“What’s Sons Of Anarchy?” Mike asks Brendan quietly while Snacks rants on.

“It’s a show about a motorcycle gang. It’s really awesome.”

Lou has returned to the table. He listens to Snacks for a moment.

“Nobody likes you Bettman. Nobody wants you around. Ever. You stink. Literally there is a smell that comes off you that just, I can’t even explain it, it’s just bad. I hate you so much. You make everything worse. Every choice you make is as dumb as it could possibly be. I want to choke you with your own baby shoe laces.”

“Whats going on?” Lou finally interupts.

“This sack of gizz rags!” Snacks points at Gary. “Just spoiled SOA for Kyle.”

“What? But he just started it.” Lou is stunned. “Your not even out of the first season yet are you?”

Kyle shakes his head,

“I’ve had it.” Lou says. “Brendan, I know this is your place, but I’m the GM and I am not letting this fucking asshole ruin our game anymore. Get the fuck out!”

“Come on guys.” Gary is adept at snivelling. “It’s just a TV show. What’s the big deal?” I promise I won’t say anything else. Oh man will you be surprised when Terra dies. Boom, fork in the head! Holy smokes is it brutal.”

“Jesus Gary.” Brendan says.

“OUT!!” Lou screams.

Two beautiful naked women escort Gary to the elevator. They are disgusted, not just by his unique odur, but also by his scrawny childlike frame. No woman could be confronted by such a man and feel anything but revulsion.

“This is bullshit fellas.” Gary says as he is lead away. “I’ll be back.” He tries to break free of the beautiful naked women but his strength is nowhere near enough. “You can’t play without me! I’m the commish! You need me!”

The elevator doors close and everyone in the penthousse breaths easier.

“I really hate that guy.” Kyle says.

“Everyone hates him.” Lou says.

“He’s like a booger.” Snacks adds. “A really hard one stuck so far up your nose hole that you can’t pick it, but it’s there and its hurts and you just want it gone. That’s fucking Bettman.”

An alarm sounds from Mikes shirt pocket. He pulls out a small digital watch and presses a button to silence the noise.

“It’s ten o’clock guys.” Mike says. “We gotta say it quick. Just one second here Jeff.” Mike never calls him Snacks.

The four members of the Toronto Maple Leafs bow their heads. After a moment of silence they speak in unison as if the words were a spell, and maybe words do hold the power to create.

“Dear god and Lord Stanley, thank you for bringing us together here in Toronto and please help Steven Stamkos find his way home.” In his head Snacks echos the prayer but he knows better than to interfere with the ritual.

“Okay.” Lou says, resuming the game. “ Gary the halfling regales you with a rousing tale of his prowess and expertise. He claims he has been sent on a mission to destroy the power of this cursed castle and will gladly allow you all to help him. Boldly the halfling leads the way out of the cellar. He takes three steps down the corridor then sets off a trap. Spikes shoot up from the floor impaling the hapless moron and killing him instantly.”

“I search his corpse for loot!” Snacks says immediately.