One of the things I’ve always believed is that people get what they deserve in this life. I used that thought as a whip to punish myself for being unhappy when I have so much stuff. Now the thought stings for a different reason because what did I do to deserve being sexually abused as a boy so young he couldn’t even conceive of words to form a cry for help? What did I do to deserve only feeling bad things and never feeling good? Kind of confirms the theory of reincarnation actually. I must have been super shitty in my previous trip to deserve all the pain, from deep spirit level pain to the  surface blunt force variety, my last me must have really been awful.

That’s how I feel. Awful. I missed out on every possible positive moment because of someone else’s choices. Trying to heal from this, even as a grown up, is not even… I can’t even imagine what healing would be. The rules apply, I’m not allowed to feel good. I had some therapy today, and they said that it’s possible that I have gotten all the goodness I deserve and that I haven’t been able to see it.

I hate when my own logic is used to help me feel better.

I’m able to understand the concept. I see the way my thought process was taken out of my own reality and forced down a road of really dark and negative assumptions. It all makes perfect sense. My litany of gratitude starts with understanding how I was put together. Before I was building a puzzle with the pieces upside-down and the edges missing. Writing that out, I feel like it’s a line from a movie but I don’t know which one.

It’s very convenient that there is usually an applicable obscure quote for every conversation because coming up with words for talking to other people is hard.

I’m writing this as I listen to my kids playing. The are hurling a large ball at each other, I assume with the goal of knocking each other over. It’s pretty funny. There is a joy to just sitting here and listening to the play. I had to force myself to appreciate it though because my first response was frustration. That is not the man I want to be, children laughing all around is pleasant sound, not noise.

That’s a quote I know well, but not a direct one so much as a reversal of one… very convenient.

I am overcome by some feelings as I realize how nice it feels to be open to my neurology. Before I would have edited myself, censored how much I revealed of my thought process. But it’s way more interesting to explore the paths my mind goes down, and I think a little healthy too.

Maybe the doc is right. Perspective is everything. It’s possible I have everything I ever wanted already. I can think about how mad that makes me, that I missed it and don’t believe it’s real. I can dive in and pay attention to what it feels like.

I can think all I want, I can imagine the entire universe, if I want to feel good I have to be able to differentiate between what is good and what isn’t. I have to accept the positive that is the other side of the negative. Life is about balance. Nature teaches this lesson in so many ways. If I can feel such sadness it only stands to reason that I have the ability to feel joy. If I can feel so very angry then it is only logical that I can feel very happy. I can understand these thoughts. I reluctantly accept that they are valid thoughts.

I have two interesting tools for teaching me how to recognize and dwell in good. One is a visualization thing, the other is a body presence/awareness sort of exercise. I’m cautiously optimistic about how these techniques will work out. After all, rules are rules.