Quarantine log: Day 4269, or something…

My whole world changed on January 28 2020, weeks before everyone’s world changed. My litany of gratitude was a mechanism to help me remember that I am still here. I am not thankful I was raped as a child. I am not thankful that my neurology will never let up, never let me feel free. I am not thankful that our collective species is facing the shock of certain mortality. I am not thankful that there will be a great deal of loss before there is any sort of recovery. I keep up my litany of gratitude because it’s important to remember things that I am thankful for.

As awful as this situation seems there are things I feel very grateful for indeed. I am grateful for the skills I spent over a decade forcing myself to learn which have allowed me to keep helping people in all sorts of ways. I am thankful that I have been afraid of dying tragically my whole life so this is just Thursday for me. I am grateful that our species, as a collective, has an opportunity to examine some of the fundamental absurdities the we have propped up as values to be protected. I am grateful that one of the functions of existence in space and time is that it does not move backwards. This is what is, this is the point we take our next step from. There is value in that, in the immutable nature of what has happened.

I don’t like many memories I have. I don’t like the person I remember being. At least up to about January 28 2020. I have not been perfect every day from then until now, but I have been more aware and more compassionate to my failings. The other day I had an epiphany so basic I was a little surprised that it took nearly forty years to occur to me. If I want to live in a world where good things happen then once I do good things, I do. Seems so simple but it really came as a shock when I strung the thought together. Maybe the people who I am kind to will forget about it once the moment is passed, maybe they will remember the kindness or compassion or generosity and do something kind for someone else. That’s not the point though. Kindness is like art, once you’ve let it out into the world it belongs to other people and there is no telling what they will do with it. Doesn’t really matter what happens after because the good thing happened which proves that good things can happen in the world.

We are being force fed fear in doses impossible to ignore. The civility that used to be expected is now a precious commodity. I was walking on the side walk yesterday and another person was walking toward me. I stepped to the side to maintain an appropriate distance as we passed. I offered a smile and a ‘good day’. The scowl I received in return was more bitter than required and I don’t know why. I was shook by the event. We are all on this planet together whether we like it or not. We are all sharing the same resources. We are all susceptible to the same pathogens. We do not need to agree in order to get along, but we do need to get along in order to survive.

I am choosing hope because I know I live in a world where good things happen and that’s the world I want to leave behind for my children.