Another trip around the sun is beginning and I’m still here. While I haven’t felt compelled to write anything, I have been doing a lot of living and healing and scheming. Of course my schemes all seem to to involve giving art and joy to people without getting paid. It’s a tough calling but we does what we can. In the spirit of giving art to people I decided to put out a blog post about this season and what it means to me. Rambling online is an art form, isn’t it?

I hate the holidays. From late November to some day in January I feel extra tense and stressed and bad. Let me tell you, as a person who repressed childhood sexual abuse for almost forty years, when my stress level is high enough for me to actually feel it then it is really really bad. I used to think that the only problem with the holidays was me. My therapist is starting to convince me that I may have been wrong.

I’m okay with being wrong, I’m less okay with actually examining my feelings. Not feeling was way easier, and it was killing me too so it was like win win. Except I’m trying to make the most of this existing thing. The problem with feelings is that they don’t really ever make sense. It would be cool if our bodies made different coloured tears for happy and sad and mad and tired. Clear tears are basically useless to me but that’s all we get. It’s funny because ever since I started actually feeling the feelings that I’m having, I basically just cry all the time. Almost all the time, with very little provocation. it’s healthy apparently but inconvenient.

I don’t want to humbug anybody who loves this time of year. I don’t want to tell my kids that Santa perpetuates the Master/Slave dynamic by exploiting the stereotypical Elven work ethic. I even have a present tree set up in my living room. That’s for me. No one should tell anyone else the proper way to transition between moving away from the sun to moving towards the sun. It’s a personal choice.

I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to hide from this time of year. I wore my blank smile and volunteered for work shifts. I think a lot of others do this too. I think there is an expectation that come with this time of year that weighs a lot. That’s why I felt like writing. This is for the people who are just getting through it. I hope this finds you safe. You’re not alone. The holidays suck. It’s okay to feel that way.