When humanity is threatened only the super powered might of the Toronto Maple Leafs can be counted on to save the day. The Leafs have undergone a major overhaul this year. Of all the changes, none has been more impactful than the addition of a squadron based tactical deployment that head coach Mike Babcock and GM Kyle Dubas designed to keep the peace on the mean Toronto streets. Today we follow Ether squad: Goalies.

Michael Hutchison rubs his neck where his new Toronto Maple Leaf body armour has been chafing. Other then that he is feeling as comfortable as he can given his circumstance. It has been almost a week now since he got the news that he would be joining his boyhood heroes. The shock has worn off but the elation hasn’t even begun to dim. None of that matters at the moment though. Michael has a job to do and he needs to focus if he wants to do it. He desperately wants to do it, desperately wants to represent the blue and white well.  To that end he stands and waits in the lobby of the hotel where the Vancouver Canucks are staying for their trip to Toronto. Finally the Canucks head coach, and former Leaf, Travis Green steps out of the elevator.

“Glad you could come.” Travis says, shaking Michaels hand. “Come with me.” The coach leads the new Leaf wizard back to the elevators.

“Can you tell me a little bit about why I’m here?” Michael asks. “It’s not everyday that a team openly asks for an opposing wizards help. What’s going on?”

“I thought you would be able to explain that.” Travis answers mysteriously, they finish the ride in silence.

Getting off the elevator at the top floor, Travis leads Michael down the hall to a set of double doors that stand open. The room behind the doors is bustling with activity, and despite the lavish hotel finery it seems more like an emergency room than a penthouse suite. White lab coats, machines that whirr, screens that ping, and a cornucopia of multi-coloured fluids in hanging sacs. The space is filled with more tools for mundane science than Michael has ever seen gathered at once. As a practitioner of the mystic arts he finds the noise and the lights very distracting.

“Why am I here.” Michael asks Travis again.

Travis points to a cluster of doctors, or scientists, or technicians, or whatever they are, and Michael approaches. Pushing his way through he sees the center of their attention. Brock Boeser, Canucks hero, lays on a sofa with several tubes sticking out of his arms, connected to various . He looks up at Michael and his eyes go wide.

“Hutchinson.” Brock says loudly. “Hutchy, Hutch, Hutchinson. Hutchinson, Michael, Michael Hutcher, Hutchy, Hutchinson.” With every word the young Canuck gets more and more agitated. “Hutchy, Hutchy, Hutchy, Michael Hutchinson!”

“When did this start?” Michael asks the gathering.

“A few hours ago.” Travis answers. “He’s not the only one. Almost the whole team has come down with the same symptoms.”

“And they don’t say anything else?” Michael asks

“Just your name, over and over.” Travis says

Across the room another Canuck, Brandon Suter, begins to yell. “Hutchinson! Hutchinson! Hutchinson! Hutchinson! Hutchinson! Hutchinson!”

Michael walks over and places his hands on either side of Brandons head. The Canuck doesn’t struggle and soon appears to fall asleep.

“I’m going to look inside his mind.” Michael says.

“And who the hell might you be?” One of the older and more closed looking lab coat wearers says.

“Doctor Mastreinam, this is Michael Hutchinson.” Travis steps between the Leaf and the doctor.

The flurry of murmurs that follows washes over Michael and he closes his eyes. The sound is so much like the rush of wind through the trees that Michael is momentarily transported to the wilderness of his heart. Shaking off the distraction Michael again concentrates on Brandon. In his bewildered state it is easy for the Leaf to read the Canuck. What he sees there comes as a total shock. Michael pulls away from Brandon as if burnt by the contact and the wizard backs away.

“What?” Travis asks. “What did you see? What is happening here?”

“I saw me?” Michael says.

“What does that mean?” Travis asks.

“I don’t know.” Michael says honestly. “What I saw in there wasn’t a reflection or a projection. It was as if some part of me is making a nest in there. Like I am in his head.”

“Well get out!” Doctor Mastreinam yells.

“Yeah, okay.” Michael says. “I can do that. Maybe.”

“Just do your best.” Travis says.

Michael closes his eyes again and this time seeks inward looking for any part of him that might be missing. Coming up empty the wizard decides that whos and hows can wait. He extends his awareness to take in the minds of as many of the afflicted Canucks as he can see, nearly a dozen. All of them have Michael in their heads. Each of the little Michaels notices the wizard and starts to smile, dancing a cute little dance. It doesn’t take long for Michael to decide that he is not going to disrupt these little dopplegangers, they are just too cute. He opens his eyes, the room is in chaos.

“Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson!” The Canucks heroes are screaming at the top of their lungs. “Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson!”

Michael slowly backs out of the room. “I think it will get better once I’m gone.” No one pays any attention to him. The noise is terrible and anyone not trying to hide from the sound was too busy trying to calm the Canucks to care about Michael.

“Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson! Michael Hutchinson!”

They are still screaming when Michael steps through a magical portal returning to the peace and luxury of his new rooms in Toronto Maple Leaf tower, rooms he hopes to keep for as long as he can.

When humanity is threatened only the super powered might of the Toronto Maple Leafs can be counted on to save the day. The Leafs have undergone a major overhaul this year. Of all the changes, none has been more impactful than the addition of a squadron based tactical deployment that head coach Mike Babcock and GM Kyle Dubas designed to keep the peace on the mean Toronto streets. Today we follow Horse squad: Wingers.

William Nylander screams his rage as he throws the monkey off his back. The monkey on his leg bites down hard and breaks its teeth on Wily’s Toronto Maple Leaf body armour. Another monkey jumps on his head and tries to scratch out his eyes. One Mitch Marner picks off the monkey on Wily’s head with a throwing knife while Wily stabs the one on his leg and peels it off. Connor Brown slams two monkeys together then hurls their corpses at the monkeys that have piled on another Mitch. A third Mitch works only to the push the monkeys closer to Andreas Johnsson. The monkeys have learned to be afraid of the Leaf, he slices through them with elegance, grace, and devastating efficiency. A growing pile of monkey corpses spreads out at Andreas’ feet.

“Which way now?” Asks the Mitch standing by Wily after the last monkey in the street is killed.

“Back to Yorkdale.” Says the Mitch who Connor saved.

“We should go to the tower.” Says the Mitch helping Andreas.

“Make up your mind.” Says Wily.

The Mitch’s step into each other reverting to a singular Mitch. “Which way?” He asks, looking to Connor.

“Let’s go find more monkeys.” Andreas answers, bloodlust rising.

“Let’s go back to the tower.” Connor says. “Coach will want us to come back in as quick as we can. I’m pretty sure we will meet more monkeys before we get home”

Toronto Maple Leaf tower is far south of the Leafs position and they will have to make their way on foot with their Toronto Maple Leaf jet overrun and the streets in total chaos. Without a word of complaint the Leafs get stepping. At first they make good progress meeting only scattered little groups of monkeys. Packs of five to ten of the beasts posed little threat even in their feral state. But after only a few short kilometers the Leafs manage to find themselves in a tempest of monkey rage.

An empty bus offers the only thing close to a shelter so the Leafs pile in, knowing that it cannot hold out for long. The reckless hate that the monkeys unleash at the bus is as hard to understand as the sudden appearance of the beasts and their impossible numbers. They break themselves on the glass of the bus windows. Hands, feet, heads, all smashed with complete abandon. It doesn’t take long for cracks to begin spreading out thin fingers in the glass.

“Get ready.” Says Mitch, splitting into six Mitch’s

Before the monkeys break in the bus is rocked by a thunder clap which clears them all off. The Leafs get out to see what happened and find Eric Staal, hero of the Minnesota Wild standing in a crater of his own making. He spreads his arms wide before clapping them together hard. The sound wave thus created scythes through the monkeys that have started to regain their feet.

“Come on, we better get moving.” Eric says. “There’s a monkey storm coming this way.”

The Leafs can feel it too, things will only get harder from here.

When humanity is threatened only the super powered might of the Toronto Maple Leafs can be counted on to save the day. The Leafs have undergone a major overhaul this year. Of all the changes, none has been more impactful than the addition of a squadron based tactical deployment that head coach Mike Babcock and GM Kyle Dubas designed to keep the peace on the mean Toronto streets. Today we follow Gorgon squad: Management.

Kyle Dubas silences the intruder alarm and starts scanning the Toronto Maple Leafs tower security cameras. His office has control over all the towers automated systems including the swarm of hunter/killer robot drones that he activates while switching between camera feeds. He finds the intruder easily enough and considers deactivating the drones, but doesn’t. This particular visitor may or may not mean any harm but he is definitely dangerous.

Lou Lamoriello, GM of the New York Islanders struts through the lower halls of Toronto Maple Leaf tower as if he owns them. None of the Leafs staff have questioned his right to be there, Lou is the boss no matter who he works for. Islanders heroes Leo Komarov and Matt Martin are equally familiar with the tower but they have the decency to look uncomfortable as they trail a few steps behind Lou. Ascending the escalator between the Toronto Maple Leaf candy factory and the Toronto Maple Leaf indoor endangered wildlife preserve, Lou is finally confronted by the swarm of drones.

“What’s this Kyle?” Lou asks. “Hiding behind your little toys? Why not come out and face me? Are you the boss or some little fucking bitch?”

“I’m very busy, Lou. What do you want?” Kyle speaks through one of the drones making it easy to hide his satisfaction at hearing Lou calling him by his proper name instead of the title ‘Ass‘ he wore for three years as Lou’s assistant.

“I just wanted to walk around a little.” Lou shrugs. “Wanted to see what sort of changes you’ve been making. So far it looks pretty good.”

“Well gee Lou, thanks. You can go now.” The drones spread out and prime their weapons

“Gosh Kyle,” Lou smiles. “Can’t a guy just fucking visit for a minute? Back in my day this organization used to treat people with respect. Oh well. Matt.” Lou gestures to the former Leaf.

Matt hesitates as he tries to decide who to focus on, looking between Leo, the drones, and Lou. He knows Lou wants him to destroy the drones but he also knows Kyle wouldbe really annoyed if he did. It is a hard choice. Before he can decide two current Toronto Maple Leafs leave the indoor endangered wildlife preserve.

Having enjoyed their weekly visit with the baby tigers Mitch Marner and Auston Matthews are surprised to stumble on the tense situation. Mitch is the first to recover and he approaches his former buddy Matt with arms spread wide for a hug.

“Get in here Mr. Martin.” Mitch has a grin that is almost impossible to resist. I say almost because Lou is not amused. “That’s right buddy, let old Mitchy here get you nice and tight.”

“Holy fuck, get a room.” Lou interjects. “Nice beard Auston, you look like a dirty homeless hobo shitbag. Your parents must be very proud. Put some god damn socks on, it’s winter over here.” Lou looks up at the drones. “Honestly Kyle, what are you doing with this place. I bet these kids are getting their insta-faces all full of Fortnite screen jabs, what a world. And look at the two LGTBQRS’s over here. Back in my day you used to hate your opponents. If a guy got traded you’d slash his tires while he was packing his shit. Now all these little bitches twatter love poems to each other like a bunch of horny Greek fruitbats. For Christ sake Matt stop hugging him.” Matt backs away from Mitch with a wistful grin. “Come on boys, we’re leaving. I can take a hint. I know when I’m not wanted.” Lou turns and leaves, lighting a cigar on his way. Leo and Matt hesitate, sharing a moment with their former teammates.

“I like your beard.” Leo says to Auston. “I’m still going to fuck you up though.”

The Islanders make their way out, the Leafs don’t do anything to stop them. They might have tried but decided against it for reasons neither man can truly understand.

When humanity is threatened only the super powered might of the Toronto Maple Leafs can be counted on to save the day. The Leafs have undergone a major overhaul this year. Of all the changes, none has been more impactful than the addition of a squadron based tactical deployment that head coach Mike Babcock and GM Kyle Dubas designed to keep the peace on the mean Toronto streets. Today we follow Gorgon squad: Management.

Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella is eager to see his rival Mike Babcock. After two head to head contests the coaches each have a victory. John plans on taking the rubber match and to that end he has a surprise ready.

The head coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs is having a great day. His city is safe and his team is well positioned for the grind that is coming. The middle of the season is where the real heroes start to prove themselves. Bodies wear down and wills begin to fade, but Mike is confident that his team is still getting stronger. Mike’s faith will be challenged and it’s the anticipation of this challenge that puts the extra pep in his step.

John is immediately jealous of his peer. He can’t help himself, John is jealous of anyone who seems happier than him which is just about everybody. Hopefully his surprise should take some of the wind out of Mike’s sails.

“Hey there, Mike.” John lays on the charm real thick. “Ready for round three? Winner take all.”

Mike can’t help but notice that John is gloating as if he already won. Assuming some sort of trick, Mike practices his patience.

“Have a seat Mike.” John shows Mike to a large comfy sofa. A hundred and two inch television hangs on the wall in front of it. “I thought we could play something a little different today.”

“No checkers?” Mike asks.

“Not this time.” John grins. “Take this.” John hands Mike a PlayStation controller

“I don’t really play many video games John.” Mike says taking the controller.

“Well  that’s a real pity.” John doesn’t mean it. “Too bad it’s my house, so it’s my game, and I’m sick of checkers.”

“So what are we playing?” Mike asks.

“I feel it’s a Fortnite sort of a night. Get ready to get wrecked.”

“Nope.” Mike says with a smile.

“What do you mean no?” John demands. “My house, my game. You have to play, that’s the rules.”

“Nope.” Mike smiles again.

“So I win?” John asks.

“If that’s what you want to call it, sure. Congratulations.” Mike stands up to leave.

“Hold on.” John says after a moment. “I don’t want to win, I want to beat you. Tell me why you don’t want to play Fortnite.”

“It’s pretty simple.” Mike says. “I don’t like any game where the challenge is in overcoming a twelve year old with enough time on their hands to memorize every map. I like real video games, the kind that give you everything you need to win and then push you to your limits. I’ve been playing the second Vermintide lately. Now that games is some work, never played anything that wanted to kill me so much. I’ve got my skills pretty sharp and I won’t blunt them playing anything else, especially not a glorified, cash grabbing, fashion show. So should I get my checkers board?”

John doesn’t answer for a while. He weighs the relative values of resistance to any of Mike’s assertions. In the end, after a somewhat uncomfortable silence, John settles on sullen resignation.

“Sure, go get your checkers board. I don’t care what game I beat you at.” John flops down heavily on the sofa.

Mike stares at John for nearly a minute, then turns to leave.

“On second thought.” Mike says over his shoulder. “I don’t really feel like playing any more games today. See you later coach.”

“So I win?” John asks.

“Do you really think so?” Mike stops but doesn’t turn around.

“Bite me.” John finally answers, knowing the truth.

When humanity is threatened only the super powered might of the Toronto Maple Leafs can be counted on to save the day. The Leafs have undergone a major overhaul this year. Of all the changes, none has been more impactful than the addition of a squadron based tactical deployment that head coach Mike Babcock and GM Kyle Dubas designed to keep the peace on the mean Toronto streets. Today we follow Ether squad: Goalies.

The siege of Toronto Maple Leaf tower is over. The army of skeletons retreated as suddenly as they appeared. Though they were pushed hard the Leafs were unbeatable in defense of their home. The fierce fighting has earned the troops a few days of rest which works out well given the holiday season. Garret Sparks is among those Leafs who is not relaxing over the break though. He and fellow wizard Freddy Andersen have been trying to pinpoint the source of the magic that is animating these skeletons.

For the better part of a year now skeletal armies have been popping up randomly throughout the greater Toronto area. Always before the forces were relatively small, but this last attack was elaborate. The Leafs need to learn more about this foe that seems bent upon the toppling of Toronto Maple Leaf tower.

The wizards have been meditating for the last few days, leading to some interesting revelations. There are at least five serious powers with harmful intentions directed at the Leafs. Freddy wasn’t as surprised as Garret.

“We are strong.” The Leafs chief wizard said. “Of course they want to hurt us. It will only make us stronger in the end.”

Garret tried to embrace the same attitude of indifference but found it hard to ignore the malice being sent at his team. On the plus side he would have plenty of time to get used to it. The Toronto Maple Leafs are strong and they aren’t going anywhere.

When humanity is threatened only the super powered might of the Toronto Maple Leafs can be counted on to save the day. The Leafs have undergone a major overhaul this year. Of all the changes, none has been more impactful than the addition of a squadron based tactical deployment that head coach Mike Babcock and GM Kyle Dubas designed to keep the peace on the mean Toronto streets. Today we follow Horse squad: Wingers

The army of skeletons laying siege to Toronto Maple Leaf Tower have changed their tactics. Instead of trying to overwhelm the defenders they are now trying to lull them into a false sense of boredom. No attacks have come at the walls in hours forcing the Leafs to spend a tense night waiting on the edge of fear. With the coming of a new day the assaults begin anew but now they are more deliberate, more precise. In an attempt to disrupt whatever power is leading their enemies the Leafs have sent Mitch Marner out behind the siege lines.

Technically Mitch is alone, but his power to create multiples of himself makes this seem less ominous. Sixteen Mitch’s sneak through the Toronto Maple Leaf forest searching for some sign as to where this skeletal assault is coming from. A series of strange, multi-coloured lights led the Mitch’s in to the heart of the forest. Now he approaches a glade where the smouldering remains of a bonfire mark the spot of a grisly ritual. Blackened bones and human skulls litter the fire pit. The Mitch’s fan out to surround the glade. Three snoring figures lie near a golden statue. The statue is smeared in blood and other, less obvious, things. Three Mitch’s draw their big knife and approach silently, as they get closer they each split into another Mitch so that six Mitch’s enter the desecrated glade.

An explosion engulfs the glade destroying everything in it. Thankfully it is quick so that the other Mitch’s don’t feel the deaths of the Mitch’s caught in the trap. They’re angry now but they also have a target for their anger. The Mitch’s split until fifty of them are running through the forest. They are not sneaking anymore, the explosion that killed the others was caused by a fireball sent by a short fat little mage who squeals as she flees.  

No wolves ever ran down a hurt doe with such ease. The Mitch’s surround the mage before she has run a hundred yards. Exhausted she throws up her hands.

“Kill me, I am yours.” The mage intones between heavy, gasping breaths. “I am coming to join your army, dark master. Your servant approaches!”

One of the Mitch’s slams the butt of his big knife on the top of her head, knocking her out. A different Mitch knocks on the shadow of a tree.

“We caught something. Maybe it will help Freddy?” Mitch means Freddy Andersen, the Toronto Maple Leafs master wizard. After a few seconds a magical portal opens and Garret Sparks, the Toronto Maple Leafs apprentice wizard, steps into the forest.

“She’s not in charge, but she’s a wizard or something, killed a bunch of us with magic anyway.” Mitch tries to downplay the deaths of his others because he knows it bothers his teammates.

“Are you okay?” Garret knows that Mitch feels the death of every Mitch. “Don’t worry we’ll get them. Do you want some help? I can get you Andreas or Kappy, maybe Patty if you want.” The rest of Horse squad is guarding the walls of the tower with a few dozen other Mitch’s

“Don’t Worry.” Mitch smiles. He knows his squad is spread thin, as are all the Leafs. “I got this.” Mitch leaves Garret with the prisoner and merges back into only a dozen Mitch’s. Silently they take their search deeper into the forest.

When humanity is threatened only the super powered might of the Toronto Maple Leafs can be counted on to save the day. The Leafs have undergone a major overhaul this year. Of all the changes, none has been more impactful than the addition of a squadron based tactical deployment that head coach Mike Babcock and GM Kyle Dubas designed to keep the peace on the mean Toronto streets. Today we follow Otter squad: Centers

More skeletons pour through the gap in the wall. Auston Matthews and John Tavares have been holding them back for hours. Toronto Maple Leaf Tower is under attack but the Leafs are defending it well. Their enemies seem endless but only because they are. What else can the Leafs do but hold. John channels his super chill into his iron tipped quarter staff which demolishes dozens of bones with every swing. Auston blasts through entire legions of enemies with his brilliant light powers and smashes any that get close with the flat of his short sword. In seconds hundreds of skeletons are reduced to powder. More skeletons pour through the gap in the wall.

“We need to find a way to close that hole.” Nazem Kadri says from the shadows.

“Great, you do that” Auston replies. We’ll keep fighting.”

“I’ve been fighting.” Naz feigns hurt. “Why do you think so few of them have gotten in.”

John barks a laugh then gets back to business. Another hour passes before relief comes in the form of heavy weapons support from Damasque squad, the defence. The lull in the combat gives the two battle weary Leafs a chance to catch their breath and have a light snack of carrots with some lemon flavoured electrolyte drink.

“I thought there were supposed to be other heroes in town tonight. Why are we the only ones fighting?” Auston sits with his back leaning against the broken wall.

“I think the Florida Panthers flew up here.” John paces out a slow circuit while stretching and rolling his shoulders. “We met them last weekend, remember Sacha, or Alex or something, down there was a total badass.”

Auston thinks for a minute then shrugs. “Nope, don’t remember.”

“Sure you do.” John says. “He was a total boss, ran the show for the Panthers.”

“Nope. I don’t recall.” Auston insists.

“Of course you remember, it was less than a week ago.” John isn’t agravated so much as amused.

“Well if he’s such a hero, where is he?” Auston demands.

John has no answer for that one.

When humanity is threatened only the super powered might of the Toronto Maple Leafs can be counted on to save the day. The Leafs have undergone a major overhaul this year. Of all the changes, none has been more impactful than the addition of a squadron based tactical deployment that head coach Mike Babcock and GM Kyle Dubas designed to keep the peace on the mean Toronto streets. Today we follow Horse squad: Wingers.

Contrary to popular portrayal the witches are silent as they stir their cauldron over an open fire. The three women placed the over sized pot directly on the flames and smothered most of their fire, then they never even tried to build it up more. This bothers Mackenzie Blackwood almost as much as being tied up to a stake with his presumptive master wizard, Keith Kinkaid. Simply put, fire etiquette is of high value in the Blackwood home.

The New Jersey Devils wizards are in a dire straight, although it is not their fault. The pair was sent out alone to investigate a strange magical phenomenon when they were suddenly ambushed by the coven. If they had been supported by some of the other Devils maybe they would have stood a chance, but the witches wielded a powerful and a wild magic that the Devils wizards could not withstand.

“I want to eat their heads first, let the rest ripen.” One of the hags smiles a toothless smile at the wizards as she eyes them up.

“No, no, no, you ninny. Hands and feet come first remember, it makes the faces more chewy.” This witch has no eyes and she cackles wickedly while she stirs the cauldron.

“I say we just throw one in now, and then the other one later.” The third witch only has one hand and also stirs with the largest spoon.

“Or you could not eat us at all.” Mackenzie suggests.

“Please, don’t.” Keith says.

“Not eat you?” The one handed witch says. “What do you expect us to eat then? We already had my arm.” All three witches cackle and keep stirring.

“That was stupid.” Keith says. “They’re witches, they don’t banter with meat.”

“Well then what the hell are we going to do?” Mackenzie asks.

“We wait for the team to come after us. I’m sure someone is already on their way.” Keith doesn’t sound entirely sure. The Devils have not been all that reliable these days.

“I can’t believe this is happening on my first real mission.” Mackenzie says. “I honestly can’t even.” Since they are tied to the same stake it’s hard for Mackenzie to look anywhere but directly into Keith’s eyes so he stares, hard. Keith stares back for a mere moment before he drops his gaze in resignation and shame.

The moon travels across the sky as the night gets older. The witches croon a strange wordless tune laced with sadness and longing. The Devils wait for a rescue which may or may not be coming. At last the toothless witch turns to the captives and pulls out a long knife.

“Time’s come my pretties.” She takes a shambling step toward the wizards.

“May I warm my feet by your fire, sweet maidens?” A voice calls from the darkness outside the fire light.

The witches all turn to face the sound and a single figure emerges from the night. The light gleams off his eyes and his hair shines like spun gold. It is William Nylander of the Toronto Maple Leafs and he approaches the fire with a wide smile. Even the foul vapours bubbling out of the cauldron don’t seem to bother him.

“You must leave this place.” The eyeless witch says.

“Must I? But why?” Wily asks without making any move to leave.

The witches stammer over each other for a moment then seem to forget what they were trying to say. Still holding her knife, the toothless witch sways as she stumbles toward Wily.

“Get us out of here!” Mackezie yells. His voice brings the witches back into themselves. They hiss at Wily and move to surround him.

“How can this be?” The one armed witch asks.

“Who can you be?” The eyeless witch asks.

“What magic has overcome our spells?” The toothless witch demands.

“No magic.” One-eye answers.

“The spell holds.” One-arm confirms.

“Then what is this?” Toothless asks.

“Allow me to explain.” Wily says, unconcerned by the coven around him. “We are familiar with your kind where I am from. As a boy I would hunt witches in the summertime and use their bones to speak with the gods. Your foul magics don’t work on me because my power comes from a greater source than yours. Your doomed and pathetic existence is coming to an end, you just don’t realize it.”

Despite the threat the witches stand enthralled, the young Leaf makes no move to act on his promise, and for a bizarre moment the scene seems like a grim painting. A monster shatters the quiet of the scene. A werewolf, clad in the garb of the Toronto Maple Leafs, rips the head off the one armed witch. The eyeless witch yells out but is quickly silenced by a swipe of the werewolf’s claws. The toothless witch raises her knife and moves to strike at Wily but a spear emerges from her throat before she takes a step.

In an instant the action is done. The witches are down and only Toronto Maple Leafs are left in the circle of fire light. Connor Brown wipes the gore off his spear with the witches robe. The werewolf veers into Patrick Marleau before turning to the Devils wizards.

“You guys are in a tight spot.” Patrick says.   

Today will not be a typical post because I am super constipated and I feel like my life is mirroring the Leafs play, or vice versa. See, I was at my company holiday party and I ate too much. Now I can’t poop. It sucks.

The Leafs love goals the way I love food. They want more and, even if it’s not smart, they always want to have more.

Like a forgotten, half full tray of appetizers at my company holiday party, the Leafs have been feasting on goals and it seemed at times like the fun would never end. But fun always ends.

Now no matter how much they push, or how much they just relax and let things fall into place naturally, no matter how many home remedies they try, no matter what professional advice they follow, like me the Leafs just can’t make shit happen.

There’s only one way forward, grit your teeth and hang on, everything will be better soon. The trick is to remember what happened and try not to let it happen again.

Sent from my washroom.

When humanity is threatened only the super powered might of the Toronto Maple Leafs can be counted on to save the day. The Leafs have undergone a major overhaul this year. Of all the changes, none has been more impactful than the addition of a squadron based tactical deployment that head coach Mike Babcock and GM Kyle Dubas designed to keep the peace on the mean Toronto streets. Today we follow Ether squad: Goalies.

“One, two, three, four,” Andrei Vasilevskiy, head wizard of the Tampa Bay Lightning says. “I declare a thumb war.”

“Bow” Replies his counterpart from the Toronto Maple Leafs, Freddy Andersen. “Kiss, begin.”

The wizards thumbs fly at an incredible pace. Freddy dodges left, Andrei hooks right, Freddy flips his thumb around Andrei’s and makes a hard grab. Impossibly, Andrei pulls his his thumb away at the last second and catches Freddy’s thumb before the Leaf can recover.

“Ha” The Lightning wizard says and he teleports across the room. “I’ve got your thumb.”

Freddy gawks at the bloody stump where his thumb used to be. Cursing, he binds the wound with a healing spell. Andrei laughs at his colleagues misfortune. He flips the thumb back to its owner before teleporting away.

“I’ll get you next time!” Freddy yells at the puff of smoke that is the only remnant of Andrei’s spell. Then he magics his thumb back on.