Kyle Dubas has not looked at his phone in over an hour. The Toronto Maple Leaf assistant general manager feels the urge to pull the device out of his pocket but resists. Kyle is escorting Frederik Andersen and Jhonas Enroth on the new Toronto Maple Leaf goalies first tour of Toronto Maple Leaf Tower.

“Dette sted er fantastisk!” Freddy exclaims as the trio walk out from under the canopy of the Toronto Maple Leaf Rainforest preserve.

“Overklig” Jhonas agrees.

Although one is a Dane and the other Swedish, the goalies have no problem understanding each other. Kyle is fluent in both tongues but holds this knowledge dear. He gives his tour in English and pretends not to notice when any other language is spoken. Kyle takes them to the Toronto Maple Leaf swim up bar next. Then the Toronto Maple Leaf haunted mansion.

The haunted mansion room is a marvel of modern climate engineering. Within the thirty thousand square foot space it is always a dark and stormy moonlit night.The house itself sits alone on a hilltop. Bare trees ring the hill with dead limbs that reach out, skeletal fingers beckoning the brave and the foolish.

“Jeg kan ikke lide det.” Freddy says, but he walks into the spooky mansion anyway.

“Det blir kul” Jhonas says with a grin.

Kyle has walked the mansion many times. He is over the giddy thrill of fear tingling in his spine. He almost envies the two new Leafs. They will get to have a whole season of firsts this year. The glamour cast by the camera lights will capture their essence for a time. It will wear off eventually but for now it will all be new, exciting. For Kyle it is just business as usual.

A skeletal hand reaches out from behind a picture frame to grab Freddy.

“Kneppe mig!” The Dane yells.

Jhonas laughs at his colleagues fright. He is still laughing as a petrified head drops down to stare at him eye to eye.

“Ful liten skit, backa!” Jhonas swats the head out of his way.

Freddy cringes as they make their way to the main stairs. An inhuman wail shakes the window panes and lightning flashes outside. As they reach the first step flames erupt behind them. The pillars of heat advance on the group. Freddy runs to the top of the stairs, Jhonas is right behind him. Only Kyle maintains his calm.

“Kan vi lade?” Freddy asks. “Dette er ikke sjovt.”

“Bebis.” Jhonas retorts.

Kyle feels for the goalie even as the tour moves deeper into the house. Knives drop from the ceiling, their tips stick in the floor of the hall. Freddy reaches down to pick up one of the blades. His hand passes through the hilt.

“Jeg mister mit sind.” The Dane exclaims, trembling.

“Trevligt hologram.” Jhonas smiles.

“Don’t worry Freddy,” Kyle says. “Your not imagining things, the knives are just an illusion. They sure look real though, right. We spent weeks getting the sound effects synched up.”

“Sikker, og kneppe mig.” Freddy shakes his head.

Jhonas laughs. His laugh is answered from down the hall. Kyle stops, that echo is not part of the tour. Again laughter erupts from down the hall, this time Kyle is sure he hears more than one voice raised in merry chuckle.

“Kuslig.” Jhonas says.

“Meget utryg.” Freddy agrees.

The goalies follow Kyle as he approaches the boisterous mirth. Stepping around a corner Kyle finds Lou Lamoriello with Patrick Roy and Michael Phelps.They sit on a sofa ring built into the floor. Each man smokes his own massive joint and marijuana smoke wafts thickly throughout the haunted mansions upper corridor. They haven’t noticed the new arrivals yet.

“And then,” Patrick says, gulping for air between chuckles. “I saying ‘To fuck with it Joe, I quit!'”

They laugh again for a few moments. finally a silence descends on the trio as they all take a pull from their joints at the same time. Kyle clears his throat.

“Ass!” Lou greets his assistant GM warmly. “What are you doing here? No way this stiff came to chill right.” Lou winks to Patrick and Michael.

“I am giving Freddy and Jhonas a tour of the tower.” Kyle says pointing to the goalies. “What are you doing?”

“I just had this sunken lounge built and I am showing it off to my friends.” Lou waves to Freddy and Jhonas. “Take a seat guys, I’m sure there’s lots of things you could talk about with these two legendary athletes.”

Michael takes a long pull off his joint. Exhaling, he says, “I may be the best Olympian of all time, but I’m just a regular guy.”

“Gunde Svan.” Jhonas says, naming his favourite Olympian.

” Mark Overgaard Madsen.” Freddy says, doing the same.

“We really can’t stay.” Kyle adds, hoping no one else notices that the Leafs denied Michael’s claim. “We still have the dinosaur exhibit to see and I was going to take the guys to the new Toronto Maple Leafs tapas bar.”

“Don’t be such a stooge, Kyle. These young men are here to become their very best selves.” Lou pauses to take a long drag from his joint. Smoke billows from his mouth as he continues. “When are they gonna have another opportunity to pick the brain of one of the games best? You guys want to talk with Patrick don’t you.”

“Call me Le Roy, o’sti!” Patrick demands lazily.

The goalies shrug. Neither one wants to be rude, but they also have no interest in hearing about ‘real hockey’ from another old timer. Michael offers his joint to Jhonas. Like every Swede, Jhonas is pathologically courteous. He reaches out to accept the dubie.

“Nope! Lets go.” Kyle grabs hold of his charges and marches them away.

“Vi ses!” the Leafs both call out as they happily vacate the situation.

“That was really awkward.” Michael says when the Leafs are gone. “Do you think they noticed how fucking high we are? My shrooms are totally peaking.”

“No way.” Lou says decisively. “We maintained. No stress. Besides, why do you care? Your retired now right, for real this time.”

“I guess.” Michael shrugs as though he is not convinced.

“Never retire.” Patrick says. “I should ‘ave never made done this choice. Now I am the bored all of my day. I wish was I to still be coaching.”

“Can’t help you.” Lou says before Patrick can ask. “If I could get rid of my coach I would, but no way would I hire a crazy fuck like you. Besides, you don’t want Toronto do you.”

“Non.” Patrick admits.

“So which call are you waiting for? Montreal or Vegas?” Lou smiles wickedly as Patrick ponders his future.